BREAKING NEWS! – in response to the rising tensions between the United States and the Russian Federation, Presidents Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin have agreed to settle their countries’ differences once and for all with a long-anticipated cage fight.
You read that right: a cage fight. The two presidents will be locked in an arena for five minutes. There can be only one winner. Each president will be representing the honor and supremacy of his country. The future of geopolitics rests on this one fight.
The two countries’ delegates are still hammering out the rules, but you can expect to see the match scheduled for later this year, during the summer or early fall.
This is still being kept hush-hush, but we here at DOOM TRUTH are really glad we installed all those wiretaps in the White House a while back. Which, by the way, was way easier than expected. Now we can share what we learned with you, the truth-starved masses.
A DOOM TRUTH squad was dispatched to the capital to interview President Trump about the upcoming fight.
When asked about the fight, President Trump exuded his usual confidence.
“Oh, I’m the best at fighting, ask anyone. Growing up on the mean streets of New York City, I learned all the best street fighting moves. You know how many knife fights I’ve been in? More than you. And I won ’em all. Otherwise I wouldn’t be sitting here now in this interview. I have a collection of all my victories.”
The president of the United States proceeded to lift up his shirt, revealing a patchwork of red and white scars on his surprisingly muscled waist.
President Trump said nothing of this, but we here at DOOM TRUTH HQ did some digging around the time of the 2016 election and found something about Trump that may connect some dots.
Since a least the 70s, Donald Trump has been part of a highly secretive club that includes only our country’s most wealthy and influential men. The members of this club would fight each other in brutal, bloody duels that makes modern MMA matches look like two girls catfighting on a schoolyard.
All the most powerful and influential politicians since then to today have been part of this club. Barak Obama, Bill Clinton, Warren Buffet, Jeb Bush, to name only a select few. The outcomes of these fights would decide who got to sleep with whose mistress, what economic policies would be set in motion, or which third-world government would be toppled that week.
You would be amazed how many decisions of the past half a century have been decided by this club.
In 1979, Jimmy Carter wanted to nuke the Soviet Union and trigger doomsday, as he had famously said in a private meeting, “I want to nuke the Russians into radioactive dust, snort their ashes, and get a raging high.” Fortunately, the nuke-happy president was defeated in a fight by none other than Donald Trump, who put Carter in a headlock until the president came down off his blood rage.
If the stories about Donald Trump are even partly true, the Russian president will have one hell of a challenge.
When our interviewers travelled to Moscow to interview Russian president Vladimir Putin, our crew was locked in a room with Putin, who sat and stared at them all in complete silence until our team had a nervous breakdown.
We’ll interpret that to mean the Russian president is certain of the outcome of the fight.
Putin’s extreme endurance and power is well known after that incident in 2005. While taking a tour of Moscow, would-be Chechen assassins crashed an 18-wheeler, a large boulder, and half a tenement building on the Russian president. After the whole mess exploded, the fools turned their back on the flaming pile of rubble, thinking Putin was dead. Only too late did they realize their mistake when a shirtless Putin, large shards of glass sticking out of his back, emerged from under a heap of bricks. Each assassin met a swift, brutal end.
It is well known in Russia that pain only makes Putin stronger.
Residents of Moscow can attest to seeing their president lifting a steel bar with two T-90 tanks on either end in preparation for the fight. He then walks on his knees twenty miles through a thunderstorm to a monastery outside the city, where he confesses all his sins to the abbot.
President Trump, on the other hand, is preparing for the fight by standing with his face pressed against a mirror. Trump is reported to say things such as, “Trump, you magnificent bastard, you beautiful human specimen, this it. This is what it’s all about. It all comes down to this”, and “Trump, you son of a bitch, you’ve eaten tougher bastards than this Ruskie for breakfast, crapped ’em out, and then gone back for seconds! This Ruskie’ll be crawling back to Russia with a severe case of kicked-ass”, and, “You weren’t raised in that mountaintop by those freaky monks just to sit around and make billions! Hell no! You’re a living weapon! A creature of prophecy! It’s gonna get all Book of Revelations up in this fight!”
Meanwhile, First Lady Melania is reportedly sitting in a chair on the other side of the room. Her expression is blank, her eyes seem to see something far away. Maybe she’s in her happy place. By that slight smile on her face, it’s apparently very nice there.
The future of both the United States and Russia hang on he outcome of this fight. If Trump wins, the American deep state will have world domination in their grasp. Everyone everywhere will be eating freedom fries and eating hamburgers. If Putin wins…it’ll also be world domination, except replace the fries and burgers with pierogi and vodka. And now I’m hungry. And thirsty.
When we get updates on the match, which is scheduled for later this year, we’ll let you know here on DOOM TRUTH, the internet’s newest, crappiest news site!
– R. T. Madsen and the DOOM TRUTH crew